Thursday, October 21, 2010

Identity Crisis 103: Becoming Charlotte

"Who wants to live forever?"

Knowing my literary bent as you do, you are no doubt wondering, "Which Charlotte?" Charlotte Bronte? Charlotte the spider from Charlotte's Web? Charlotte from Sex and the City?" Yes, yes, yes. All of the above.

Since I change my name every ten years, whether I need it or not, there are only six years remaining for me to grow into my next name. I'm running way behind. I should have started becoming Charlotte as soon as I moved to SoCal. How shall I start?

I'll start with what's most immediate. Charlotte York, the upper West Side brunette from Sex and the City. Time and again, men tell me she's the only character on the show they like. You'd think it would be Samantha, queen of the NSA hookup. Or Miranda, the law partner with whom no one would wonder if he'd have to pay her way. I understand perfectly why Carrie, the writer, has no appeal. Besides, as every man alive has vehemently informed me, she's ugly.

But Charlotte, the prim and proper, cotton sundress, cashmere-for-fall, baby-mad, living by The Rules, Smith College girl? Now she's the stuff of men's dreams. Playing into those age-old stereotypes, she's the brunette, and brunettes are for marrying.

The first step to becoming Charlotte? Hm. Where do I begin this psychic self-surgery? I've got to start small. If I ran out and dyed my hair, restricted my writing to diary entries about my dream home in Encinitas, and took to obsessing about my thighs all in one week, I'd be liable to crack up.

I'll do what any Smith girl would do. Start at the library. I'll check out every book by Martha Stewart, Julia Child, and the editors of Modern Bride magazine.

The baby-madness is going to be tough. First I'll have to save up for Essure, but once that's finished, I'll have to pretend to be devastated to the point of insanity when my hubbikins and I can't conceive. Luckily, my innate love of dogs will provide me with a Baby Beard.

Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket.

I'll be so torn up at not being able to breed that my darling man will forgive my running right out and adopting every dog at the Encinitas Humane Society. And buying myself a pair of rust-colored Irish Wolfhounds on top of that. It is the saddest thing IN THE WORLD when a woman fails to achieve motherhood, after all. Oh. So. Sad. In addition to all those dogs I may just require a multi-year jaunt around the globe. You know, to recover my sense of joy and purpose.

Hold it! I'm getting away from zee Essence de Charlotte. She is all sweetness and light, optimism and ladylike elegance.

Fuck. I've got my work cut out for me. That lobotomy's looking better every day.


  1. I have quite a few medical supplies at my house right now, I could give it a shot if you wish...

    I'll even wear one of my white lab coats....

    ps-i've never seen a minute of SATC, so i didn't understand much. excuse my ignorance of this certain pop culture phenomenon.

  2. I've had a thing for Carrie since she was on Square Pegs. And the fact that she married Ferris Bueller only cements her in my mind as the woman for me.

  3. Like they say, "first one is free." Want my contact information for scheduling?

  4. I'm thinking I may be able to do this myself at home with a knitting needle. Maybe I should do it in the tub in case there's a lot of blood. Wish me luck!

  5. In that case I recommend taking a tupperware style lid and poking the knitting needle through it till it is just the right length. 'cause you of course measured it before hand. right?

    then you will have a handy guard to stop the needle from going too far when the lid hits your nasal opening. nares it's called i think.....

    i'd go with super glue and duct tape to be sure. and maybe attach the base to a string and a spring to passively pull it out of your nose/face/brain independent of you being conscious.

    yep that's a plan. and only a $60 consult fee.

  6. Wow, you really have a practical approach to self-lobotomy! I love it! Um...the check's in the mail.